if only beck were single (wait, is he?)

So, after work today I did my usual routine (lock door, take off pants on the way to the bathroom, read rolling stone on the toilet, then flop into bed and check my facebook) when I started thinking about internet dating.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have a horrible time with dating. Awful. To the point that I don't tell anyone close to me when I have a date, but rather pretend I have homework. My instincts are almost always wrong, my choices questionable. So, what is a girl to do when every date she's had in eight months goes horribly, but comically, wrong?

Here's a running total of awkward dates that I have had the misfortune of going on:

1. The evangelical christian who started the date with the statement, "just so you know, I'm religious"

2. The awkward guy who didn't talk except to buy me drinks, but kept playing with my shoe

3. The guy who wrote the poems, the really really bad poems that he insisted on reading and then told me that I have an "ancient soul"

4. The old guy in a trenchcoat who dropped his number in my lap on the train and then sat in front of me, winking every time I accidently looked up.  This was not a date, but it was amusing. The name on the paper was Randy, but I couldn't figure out if it was actually his name or a condition he was feeling. I have it stuck on my bulletin board for amusement.

Due to this perpetual wave of bad luck, I am open to new avenues. Internet dating scares the shit out of me, but the television says that it works, so who am I to disagree. If I were to place a personal ad, though, I would have to put one of these up:

1. Woman, 23, looking for a man with a large record collection who doesn't mind her raiding it. Must enjoy fine literature and amusing names for cats. Should not own a shot gun or confederate flag. Must be open to late night slurpees and forgiving said girl when the slurpee keeps her up until four in the morning playing wii.

2. Beautiful and talented local legend, 23, looking for a male housewife. Must enjoy having supper ready when I get home from work, and not mind frilly aprons.

3. Woman seeking man who is amusing and sweet, but not sweeter than her. Should like seeing movies based on comic books, but not own all of the collectors editions of said comic books. Being able to play musical instruments a plus, but not if you only learned it to pick up girls. When asked, you should answer, "what is world of warcraft? sounds silly". No stoners/drunks/Phish fans, please.

So, I have some soul-searching to so. Is the right guy out there at this very moment, checking a Vonnegut out of the library? I suppose that you need to take the bad dates with the good, right?

I have faith :)

i commend your bravery, but here's a helmet

I start this blog with a disclaimer. I am exhausted.
The kind of exhausted that makes you act like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. The kind of exhausted that makes you wish you belonged to a union and therefore could protest for longer lunch breaks (ideally one long enough for an under-desk nap).
Now, I am well aware that this is all my fault, but I was out last night, and the night before, and the night before, just trying to be a good friend. And maybe drink a couple of beers. And have conversations like:
guy with dreadlocks and stupid shirt: "duuuuude, did you know that there's, like, such things as double negitives?"
me (with a very odd look): "yeeeees....."
guy with dreadlocks: "no, seriously. if i said to you, 'i don't not want that cookie', what would you think?"
me: "that you wanted the cookie"
guy with dreadlocks: "NO! or, yeah. so, what are you drinkin?"
And the guy could play some guitar, which kind of made up for his gross underestimation of a fundemental principal of the English language. He just played one song for twenty minutes, which should never be done. I do hate jam bands, I just keep thinking, "and it will be over.... NOW! or on the count of three... one... two... *dammit*".
That came up last night, while I was at my girlfriend Darling's house.
She asks a guy on the couch: "what's on your i-pod that we can put on? anything good?"
Guy on couch: "it's all good, lots of hippie music"
Me: "i can do with some hippie stuff, but absoultely no jam bands".
Apparently this was really funny. I still fail to see the humour.
I want to rock out for a few minutes and then switch to something different. Not too much to ask, right?
At least at the moment I have my BEAUTIFUL, perfectly groomed and oft listened to Pandora station on my head phones. Which, in conjunction with a violent case of the hiccups, is preventing me from drifting off. And the writing of my first blog on here, which I am obviously screwing up something awful.